Inside Out

As I get older I've noticed changing clothes has become a task. It's like, once I get dressed that's it. No wardrobe changes at church, during half the day...nothing. I just can't be bothered. So while staying at the fabulous Marriott World Convention Center in Orlando, Florida I put my bathing suit on and went to the pool with my sister. After we got there my sister noticed that my bathing suit was on inside out! I was like whatever. I could care less, because there was no way I was gonna go back and fight, tug and pull to get back inside of my size 10 bathing suit (leave me alone, buying smaller sizes makes me feel skinny). As we proceeded to the pool, she said "oh Lord the tag is all out." I was still like "whatever". I just didn't care. If anyone noticed I would just smile. After a while in the pool I began to feel severely self conscious and came up with an awesome idea. Why not put bathing suit on the right side underwater?? It was a brilliant idea! I told my sister, who was very hesitant, and she eventually went along with it. I had to untie the halter top and roll the bathing suit down, then turn it right side in. Thank God I had a strapless bra on. We had to roll the bathing suit down off of me, then I had to step out of it and then put it on the right side. At one point I was totally NAKED in the pool!!! Despite how mortifying it sounds, it actually felt really good. Just me in the crystal chlorine water. I felt like Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. I was so self conscious. I thought everyone was looking at me. They probably were. There was one older lady sitting to the left of us starring really hard. She must have been wondering what we were doing. I was screaming and laughing all in the same breathe. Once I got the bathing suit off I really felt like just continuing to swim, without clothes. I mean we came into this world that way, why couldn't swim in the buff?

Anyway it was a fun thought and eventually I let it go. I finally put the bathing suit on the right side.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday to my girl J-Lo! You know who you are. You're almost 40 too girl. Don't worry, just read my blog, get a copy of More magazine (http://www.more.com/)or check out the website and slowly exhale. You got 365 days to get it together girl. Join the movement!

Still laughing

at that last blog!

If I hold my pee and let the Lord fight my battle

I was at the pool today at the fabulous Marriot World Convention Center in Orlando, FL and as always I used the bathroom before I went in. But you know, as you relax and swim etc. time really passes by and well you know, you have to go again. Am I really expected to get out of the pool, dry off and go find a bathroom? I was holding it and holding it and then when I began to think about going to the bathroom...and well...it sort of leaked out. I mean what is the purpose of chlorine anyway? Isn't it like a bleaching disinfectant or something? Could I have really been the only one who had a underwater accident? Come on...there were so many kids there I know at least one of them let loose under the water. Well I tried to hold it...Lord knows I did. I'm not as young as I used to be. I can't be popping out of that pool and walking 6000 feet to find a bathroom. This resort was mad big!! Anyway, if anyone was in that pool today and is reading this (Shelley, {my sister and road dawg} this excludes you 'cause I know you did the same thing) please forgive me.

Anyway, it's not good to hold your pee...only your peace. Praise God!

Bloggerlicious Tour Postponed until further notice

Due to the death of my dad, my summer plans were changed drastically. I was scheduled to be in New Orleans at the Essence Music Festival to interview a few celebs & personalities for the blog but circumstances changed. The tour will be postponed until further notice. Thanks for understanding.

Final goodbyes...

Yesterday was the committal service for my dad. A committal service is when the ashes (which have already been put into an ern) are prayed over, blessed with holy water and then placed in what is called a niche (which is similar to a burial plot except it's for people who have been cremated-which was allegedly his request according to my stepmother). The ern was beautiful. For some reason that made me feel really good. I don't know, maybe in my mind it was as if he was placed in a platinum coffin or something but it really gave me some comfort. The ern had his name, life & death dates and a beautiful inscription that simply read "Rest In Peace". The Episcopal Father who conducted the service asked if we,"the family" would like to have words. This should have consisted of Myself, my sister and stepmother, however my stepmother didn't show up (let's not even go there). We drove 2.5hrs from Orlando, which is where we were staying for part of my time in FL, to see my dads final resting place and my stepmom (who lives in that town down the road) didn't even bother to show up. What's that about?

Anyway, we said our goodbyes. I was sad, but I felt closure and I felt good that he was placed in a beautiful ern. I never really thought about that before, but nice things really make a difference. Shout out to Kay-Pongers funeral and cremation services (http://www.kays-ponger.com/). Hey even a funeral home needs a shout out every now and again.

Even though I'm a big girl (almost 40), it's really been hard having to come to this realization and conclusion that my father has passed on. God has really giving me strength through this. My mom already passed away so it's like wow...I have no parents. It feels a little empty. Sorry for being so melancholy but being almost 40 comes with alot of sucky moments like this. I really just have to try and remember the times (like Micheal Jackson said).

Bye Daddy...

A tribute to my father

This is a reprint of an article that I wrote in 1999 for Spritual Essence magazine. Please excuse any typos.

Last breath...

My sister and I along with my girlfriend and a few others drove down to ATL with the plans to continue on to Florida. The only reason we drove is because I wasn't medically cleared to fly. So rather than wait, we just hit the road, which was in our summer plans anyway. The drive to ATL wasn't so bad. Each adult did 4-5 hours each and we knocked it out. On the road we spoke to my stepmother and found out my dad was now in a coma. My stomach totally sunk. I didn't even want to tell my sister when I heard this new development because my sister gets very emotional and I didn't want us to loose focus. I suggested we briefly stop in ATL and continue on instead of resting in ATL and leaving in the morning for Florida. This decision proved to be critical in getting to my dad in time. The only problem is that we were to tired to drive through the night to FL. My sister made some calls and we found a friend who could drive us all the way to my dads house. It was perfect! We hit the road at 2:45am and got to my dad around 12:30pm in the afternoon.

When we arrived my stepmom was...well, I guess going through and she didn't greet us or anything? Is is me? I mean I thought we would be hugging and maybe even crying but she totally blew us off. I guess she had alot going on. I tried to kiss her and she pulled away. Not sure why that was.

As I went into the room where my dad was he was breathing really hard as if he was working real hard to stay alive. We talked to him and held his hands. He was still in a coma. After a while I stepped out of the room to talk with my stepmom and the nurse. After the nurse checked his vitals, she reported to us that they were very weak and we should call his pastor and begin to pray. Shortly thereafter a minister from the church came and prayed with him and then he passed away...

My father waited for me and my sister to come. I know it!

I'm so glad I got to be with him one last time before he passed away even though he was not concious. He sort of gave me closure. I think my dad knew if we didn't make it in time it would haunt us for the rest of our lives. God worked it out so we could say goodbye and feel some type of closure for ourselves. I was there when my father took his last breath and will have fond memories of better times.

Going to see Daddy

Recently my Dad has been suffering with Prostate Cancer. It has been managed for years with medication and other therapy. It got real aggressive and got into his bones and skull. Not good at all. He lives in Florida with my step mother and I live in New York I haven’t seen him as much as I would like to. This summer I had planned a big road trip and was going to spend a great deal of time down there with him. Due to him being so sick my sister and I decided to just go straight to see him in Florida. We drove to my sisters house in ATL and then proceeded to FL. I’m on the way now and I’m being overwhelmed with feelings. Is this normal? I feel like I should have or could be doing more. Then I try to tell myself well what more can you do? I don’t know but it just feels like I should be doing more while my Dad is dying. Why is the thought of death so devastating? I mean I know death isn't so great but I just don't want to feel this way.

I was down in Florida in November 2008 and death was the farthest thing from my mind. I mean we know as our parents age they get closer to death, but when you're spending time with a loved one you just have a good time. Who knew that would have been the last time I saw my dad lively and well. I still can't believe it. As I type this blog I can bearly see because of the tears that are in my eyes. I wonder...could I have done more?

Time Frame of Life

After speaking with doctors prior to coming down to FL they spoke very frankly to my sister and I concerning my fathers health and time frame of life (I hate that term even though I made it up myself). One of the doctors said after seeing my dad and hearing about the seizure he had he suspects he has 1-2 weeks to live. Seriously? Are you kidding me? One to two weeks to live? I had to wonder to myself, despite this mans sophisticated medical training and letters behind his name how he could put a number on someone’s life so easily. I always thought that God was in control. The bible asks the question “Whose report do you believe?” I believe the report of the Lord. I don’t care what time frame they give him I will believe God until the end. Man cannot control Gods work. So I choose to believe that whatever Gods will is. My fathers time frame of life is in Gods hands.

I'm back!

It's been a while since I've blogged because my father was very ill and I had to go to Florida to be with him. He passed away June 28, 2009. Here are a couple of blogs that I prepared to post but couldn't due to obvious reasons. Rest in peace dear ol' dad! I love you forever.